In my paper, there is the beginning of a strong thesis but
one has yet to be decided. I would like to think that, “when looking deeper
into class, race, religion and sexuality and how those contribute to society we
may have a problem on our hands,” would be my thesis. I have not written an
introduction yet so this may be the issue. I can make this stronger by
fine-tuning the thesis and by writing my introduction. Possibly by excluding
religion and sexuality but I feel as though excluding those would do more harm.
By not addressing those topics, I realize that I begin to contribute to the
issues at hand with RT (reality television). There is more to say about the
things we exclude than the things we include.
The second category I would address would be organization. I
feel as though my paper flows well, but still needs some work. I am also unsure
if I should continue to add my own experiences with RT or if I should not
include my own feelings (from the past). By adding my own experiences I feel as
though I am adding new knowledge since I have consumed RT in the past. There is
also no clear introduction and conclusion as I have not started those parts of
my paper yet. My peers wrote to include more evidence from the television shows
themselves, so I think analyzing a few episodes may help with the organization
and also my thesis.
When looking at my peer’s suggestions, I will include their
ideas because they gave a lot of insight about the missing parts in my paper, like
adding more evidence directly from the television shows. There were also a few
small grammatical errors that need to be fixed. Their input will definitely
come in handy since I am writing this for a group of my collegiate peers.
Although, there were quotes used from studies that I am unable to elaborate on
which were commented on. I am unsure how to explain their views without
changing the quote and I cannot change the quote with my own ideas and still
use it as a quote. (Hope that makes sense). Both of my peer’s praised my use of
quotes and sources saying that they made my paper stronger and gave clear
evidence to my argument.
When making revisions, I will make sure to further elaborate
and add to the conversation. I will be working on the introduction and
fine-tuning of my thesis statements and developing a stronger argument about
how RT does not accurately include race, religion, sexuality, and class. By
showing the pitfalls and stereotypes shows like The Real World, The Hills
and Big Brother have shown, I will be
contributing a new perspective to the conversation. By not including shows such
as Real Housewives and The Kardashian’s, I know I am leaving
out a large part of recent RT. If I were to add those, it would just show how
much we really exclude other classes in our television. I may bring those shows
into my argument but will not be focusing on them specifically.
